i feel horrible. dunno why. nothing happen. yet prob a lot of things happen.

thanks to everyone who attended today's rehearsal. thanks to everyone who is going to give us a good WAN word tmr.

met rj frens. i miss u guys. u dunno how much i miss those times. i really do. then all these feelings start gushing back. horrid feelings. of happy scenarios of the past.

cheer up. chin up.

well, think back over the hols, after breaking camp, I have been spending everyday out. Not having dinner at home with my dad. and i think he is not exactly happy. haiz everyday go out for dinner. and dinner time is teh only time i see him. my mum? i see her when she comes pick me up from the corners of teh earth at unearthly hours.

tonight is the gala dinner, so no dinner at home. fri, sat will be at kms. well, at least there is sun and mon? time management!!!

today is wednesday. tmr is thursday. next friday start school lor.. i don't want to start school...

tmr i m supposed to go and stay over at my class' chalet after gala dinner! which means i have to lug all my clothes and belongings to gala dinner! but i m definitely looking forward to class chalet. finally sth that has been realized after tons of organisation.

when sch starts, i dunno if i have to make frens all over again. realise that i m not really keeping in touch with my frens. best frens r still from sec sch.

"All worldly pursuits have but the one unavoidable end, which is sorrow: acquisitions end in dispersion; buildings in destruction; meetings in separation; births, in death. Knowing this, one should, from the very first, renounce acquisition and heaping up, and building, and meeting; and faithful to the commands of an eminent guru, set about realizing the Truth (which has no birth or death)."

i finished a book in my whole day spent at home today! It is titled "Beyond the Fall". ByThomas Chua Chee Siong. Good book, because firstly, it was easy to read, as the chapters were short. It is about a young boy, who drank too much vodka and fell from a third storey uring a Christmas party. it narrates his road to recovery and more importantly, the physical and emotional barriers he and his family had to overcome.


dunno if you have read abt him from the papers, but I wanted to read the book because I have read abt him in the papers. Good book. It was not angst filled, even though i thought i could feel his frustration. It was inspirational too. Makes me want to appreciate everything and everyone around me ever more.

anyone wants to read? come get it from me.

I m sick. finally. think since camp ended. sore throat. headache. achoooooo! sleep sleep and sleep. rudolph? merry christmas

another bad news. I learnt of it from the papers on Christmas 2005.

I will pray for you to be well and happy. I hope you will continue to be optimistic and strong. Because throughout the four (close to five years) I have known you, your bubbly and fun nature has always brightened up everyone's days. you may seem cool and punk on the outside, but your friendliness has endeared yourself yo each and everyone of us.

I recall you were sitting behind me in class. We were always in the same group for SS. Though we were not in teh same class subsequently, we still managed a warm greeting and a smile. That was all it needed and took for our friendship to continue. I will pray for you to be well and happy.

Which brings me to my next point: what is the point of gathering when there is separation? why let a person harbour hopes and dreams and aspirations, only to attach and crave for more? Perhaps this is what the game of life is all about.

came back from qing gong yan. it was fun. going to michelle's house was fun too :) we actually went to michelle's house before teh qing gong yan to dress up. there was no one at home, so we simply ran ard and made a lotof noise while pinning clothes, testing make-up...

i think i have entered a slump again... wat is the point of having gatherings when there are separations? what is the point of having fun in a group, when ultimately, u have to face the tests and music alone? i dunno. all i know is i have been thru too many cycles of extreme happiness, then depression. Happiness, then depression. and i let it carry on. i try to appreciate the happiness, to live for the moment. but later, i will look back and hope it will last longer. is this called attachment?

why live ur life in fear? i dunno. so snap out of it and live ur life to the fullest! Merry christmas to all of you. Merry christmas.

sariputta hunk and babes

sariputta gals against 1 sariputta gal

sariputta babes and hunk

thomson gang - mostly back from UK Dec 2005

my cousins and free starbucks

my mum and my cousins

been a hectic week so far. since we broke camp on sun. monday - shopped with ss for sj's present. then went to meet pui for movie and had ice cream with gan. BTW, gan passed his driving test!!! first attempt! You rock man!~

Tuesday - dunno wat i did. think i had piano lesson in the morning. went to cuthair with my mama. then went for bruno's chalet.

Wednesday - went to inspect PKS with Lindy. We had fun, dancing with candles. Cell and Karamen were very nice and tried their best to answer our questions. Thanks lots! went out for dinner with Hwee koko and Sariputta gals - thanks Hwee koko for bear da vinci! we all dressed up really nice nice and had a pleasant surprise. took some funny and silly photos. but i believed we all enjoyed our selves.

Thursday - went out with SBMYians. supposed to watch King Kong. end up go eat, go borders, then go eat again. left early to attend SJ's birthday chalet. Happy 21st birthday SJ!!! Glad to see you had so many frens ard with u, not jus frens from now, but frens from sec sch, JC, NS, frens who stood by you all this while.

Friday - met lindy, jiayi, liwei and chu feng to meet for PKS. Liwei and Chu Feng can be serious one you know? haha then went shopping for liwei's pants and lindy's shoes. well lindy bought 2 pairs of heels - you know why :) then went to meet hwee koko, who queued in the rain for 80 minutes, with liwei and Chu Feng.

Been a hectic week ya? tmr is our celebratory dinner for SBM. Sariputta gals and our alliances are going to dress up!!! theme: Retro :D so exciting! but before that, camp debrief at 2pm at SBM. gotta lug all our barang barang down to SBM before changing at the hotel. it will be at quality hotel.

-Lola

camp ehi-passiko sequel 2005 was fantastic! I was a GL (Group Leader). I must say it was an experience of a lifetime. For a fuller description of the camp, from different perspectives as well, pls visit www.sbmsariputta.blogspot.com

came back at 6 last evening. was really shag. fell asleep while sms-ing. ate dinner, slept. then my mother woke me up cos she bought also a carton of liang tei. thankfully she also woke me up to msh hh happy birthday. HAPPY 25th BIRTHDAY HH!!! slept again till this morning at 1030.

was expecting a sore throat or muscle ache. but none at all. jus no voice. i have never lost my voice before. so this is a first i guess. net ss at 130 to buy SJ's present. the person IC from PKS called me. taht was when i was verved into starting work immediately. luckily we sariputta gals are helpful and effective. THANK YOU! *Muahz*

went out with pui after that. went to eat at food republic. then watched Santa's Slay. I thot it was crappy. but she found it interesting how Santa is actually Satan unscrambled. pui and her warped analogy. taht's why i like hanging out with her. weare kinda like yin and yang i guess. yet we have many similarities.

then we went for ice cream at icekimo. surprised pui with a surprise guest! GAN! haha later hit pui that we had a 15 gathering. haha had ice cream overdose - 9 scoops!! sot a shuai ge at the ice cream joint - mb i shd start hanging out ard there more often now.

anyway, we had a good talk. gan is taking his driving test this fri - all teh best! talked abt cars, driving tests, UK, SMU. I like to hang ard with them. tehy are cool. no pressure.

tmr got piano lesson ing the morning. Argh.. confirm cannot wake up. then going out with my mum for lunch, cut her hair, mb collect my contact lens, then go for Bruno's chalet. Must remember to wrap my gift haha

Voices That Care

Lonely fear lights up the sky
Can't help but wonder why
You're so far away
There, you had to take a stand
In someone else's land
Life can be so strange
I wish we never had to choose
To either win or lose
That we could find a way (We could find a way)
But I won't turn my back again

Your honour I'll defend
So hurry home, and 'til then (til then)

Stand tall, stand proud
Voices that care are crying out loud
And when you close your eyes tonight
Feel in your heart how our love burns bright (hurry home… ooh)

I'm not here to justify the cause
Or to count up all the loss
That's all been done before
I just can't let you feel alone
When there's so much love at home
We're sending out to you
All the courage that you've known
The bravery you've shown
Clearly lights the way
We pray to make the future bright
To make the wrong things right
Right or wrong, we're all praying you remain strong
That's why we're all here and singing along

Stand tall, stand proud
Voices that care are crying out loud
And when you close your eyes tonight
Feel in your heart how our love burns bright (hurry home… ooh)

You are the voice
You are the light

Stand tall, stand proud
Voices that care are crying out loud
And when you close your eyes tonight
Feel in your heart how our love burns bright (hurry home… ooh)

i feel a sense of anger rising. yet this anger can't manifest and it is stuck in my chest. haven't been coming online for a few nights. sudddenly some online. I feel used. betrayed. need me then pretend pretend. a lot of things nvr say. i m jus out of reach of the grapevine. no need to tell me everything. esp when things r so stale i don't have to knwo them anymore.

and results ain't the whole thing in the world. so wat if u get good results? u ain't gonna get a sponsor. simply cos sponsors are practising what tehy preach, that they do not jus look at results.

i feel happy for both of you. somehow i feel angry too. perhaps teh happiness gor u suppresses the anger. and it is now stuck.

there is so many things to be angry abt. when ppl r nice to me, i don't appreciate. when i m nice to ppl, they don't appreciate. i can help u guys do ur work, assignemnts, essays. wat do i get? when will this anger ever dissipate?

Sunday. almost a week since my last entry. last week was a whirlwind. Let me try to recollect what i did over the past week.

Sunday
went out with mummy for breakfast before going to SBM to wrap armours :D then went to mel's house to watch star search. it was fun watching with a whole group of people, looking at what they were wearing, their expressions, who won and who didn't. it is kinda like those oscars and emmys, when actors and actresses dress their best and hog the lime light, less any companion to cuddle with on the red carpet walk.

Monday
went out with melissa, hazel, lionel and shaun. we were supposed to have sizzler at suntec. ended up we went to eat at the ship. mummy joined us too! it was a nice experience.
1. the food was reasonably priced, for a restaurant where working executives frequent for lunches in orchard.
2. mummy said it is a good restaurant when we told her we were going to eat at the ship. said it has been ard since 1970s. but it relocated to some obscure corner within Shaw Towers and she thought it closed its operations. so mummy came to join us and foot the bill

then we went to cut my hair at wisma. it is really not bad la, considering how much I complain. it looks short tho it is long enough to be tied up. ma wanted me to cut it wispy and layered. but my hairdresser cut it straight at the back, with some wispier all over my head. kinda like disorder within order. if u get wat i mean.

then 5 of us went our separate ways as lion and shaun went to play x box, mel and hazel went home to change and i went to meet sam, don and sher at food republic. sorry guys i can't go on bangkok trip with u. u know how much i want to go. but how many 21st birthdays does a person have?

had dinner at Peach Garden Novena cos it was their 3rd birthday!!! (5 dec 2005)

Tuesday
Went out with Winglam. went to borders to get a book for HH. it was the Warren Buffett book. think i shall get it for myself too. then we walked to wisma, then to meridien centre to look at the Factory Outlet Store. Abercrombie. bought nothing tho.

took a bus to Shaw Tower Beach Road to eat at the Italian vegetarian restaurant. We had a nice walk as we tried to figure out how to get there. We went into the bakery at Raffles Hotel, looking for Hazelnut loaf, which was unfortunately sold out.

went to raffles city to shop. where we saw batman. and his car parked in an obscure corner. we took plenty of pictures. Had to leave for Samba practice.

Wednesday
had piano lessons, then went shopping with mel, hazel, lion and aunie wendy.

Thursday was a whirlwind

Hello monday morning. have been waking up early ever since exams ended. Whee. Went to SBM yesterday to wrap armours. Grrrr. I will never be Santa's helper cos I am really bad at wrapping. But it looks good tho.

Went for breakfast with Michelle and Lionel. We were at SBM at 10 (punctual!). While we were at prata shop, Hanqi, Evelyn and Fuzhong came and joined us. Cos they saw no one there. Punctuality! haha. Anyway, we prompted started working. The girls were wrapping and wrapping while the guys were sawing holes in the castles haha. After a hard day's work, we wrapped a grand total of.... 14 armours. Considering the amt of effort - teh scotch tape and the har lost to the scotch tape, the lack of scissors and pen knives, we were kinda surprised to learn taht we have only wrapped so little.

I was wrapping with Evelyn initially. Then we got better and embarked on wrapping on our own. Michelle and Selina were wrapping and laughing non-stop. Haha. But they were good. Selia kept cutting tape and pasting on herself so that Michelle can just wax her hands and legs. haha kidding. I was wrapping with Jiayi. More like doing patch work, but anyway.

Whatever we do, must do "sui sui". That is why there are so many props and so much mampower required.

Went to Melissa's house after taht. Got piano lesson. Hazel has grown skinnier! I need to exercise haha

today marks the end of our FA exam! It was tough, though many dudes say that it is simpler than past years papers. Prof came in and said it is an easy paper. Considering I have never balanced any of teh financial statements.

Yesterday, something miraculous happened. I have never balanced a cash flow statement before and I was getting tired after a few days' of try. Then, in the midst of the afternoon, I BALANCED ONE CASH FLOW STATEMENT! I was rejuvernated then. But after that, I din balance any again. But that was definitely a boost of morale and i was more alert after that.

went for an extravagant lunch with ss, kc and hh. the food portion was huge, the milk shake was delicious (as usual) and the ice cream was a bonus. however, i think we really enjoyed ourselves because we sat there for two hours at least i think, and sat there and talked abt anything and everything under the sun. KC is really keen on forming his band. He also wants to revive his taekwondo. if all else fails, he will join the "photo" club, if anyone actually knows what i mean. i hope you will find something that you truly want to do. like graduating within the shortest time possible, go be an auditor and start earning money.

On the way walking back to sch to retrieve ss's sweater, we went into teh new Nationa Library. It was really crowded. Was reading a book on Toyota when kc and hh came to disturb me. haha We had fun looking thru the different species of cats.

Then, we went next door to Bras Basah Complex. When I m tehre, i usually visit either my optician or visit popular. however, this time, kc and hh brought us to swee lee where they had guitars and amplifiers and rums (including those for samba and belly dancing). HH said that usuay we can't bring our bags in, but guess the people din really bother abt us.

Went into those book shops, art shops. and Popular has changed alot! and hh showed me like one book with jay chou's songs. Few years back, when i was in sec sch, and if i was interedted in jay chou at that time, i would have bought. this time, i returned it back to the shelves, where i felt it belonged better.

After that, walked back to sch to retrieve ss's sweater. wah the security guard niao me and think i lying!!! wah pissed. he looks like santa claus. We hung ard the GSR for a while before making our way back to bugis.

Went our brand new, refurnished Sariputta Team! Ang Hwee, Michelle, Lindy, Selina, Jia Yi and me. Had dinner at a nice place. Shall go tehre with you guys someday. It is Italian veg food, which is cheap too! set lunch for 6.90; set dinner for 9.90. and there is soup, pizza or pasta, drink.

We then adjourned to Pacific Cffee (i think) at Marina. It is a nice place to chat, especially if you get Ang Hwee's favourite cushion seats. Heh Thank you gals and one guy, for a great dinner, great companionship

nitez nitez

time to listen to songs so that i know what songs i like.

from today, 29 Nov 2005, I promise myself I will not be an accountant. I am not sensitive to numbers. I can never balance balance sheets, income statements also end up getting wierd numbers with decimal points for my income tax. haiz.

comms results is out. will be pulled down by FA. LTB is kinda unknown. cannot determine where u stand. Stats also dunno yesterday's paper how. today when i press the calculator doing FA, I realised that I keep presing wrongly!! plus yesterday i din have time to check. that is stats down. ltb down. comms done. eft FA. FA test! Pls have mercy on me. Let me know how to do teh MCQ, balance the cash flow statements, income statement and balance sheet. and pls let it be an easy explanation question. and don't spring surprises on me! like RECONCILE the differences between me and FA!!

and i m watching the super host show. realised that my brother actually watches teh show and knows what is the programme sequence.
next week i m meeting jia lun and matt. need to get a level texts! maths and physics! for TLTH!

and hopefully next weekend, we will be going for the commissioning parade! the one that zx has been complaining before he left for dunno-where... i hope our class will go! wonder how is sam doing sourcing out the holidays plans....

monday afternoon. stats exam jus over. wasn't hard. do-able if given plenty of time. time for FA. I m scared for FA. better study even harder.

I am not feeling well. Been having really bad backaches. worse than ever. and i m havign uncomfortable stomach too. like diarrhoea. but worse than that. can't wait for fa to be over.

i shall read a chapter of harry potter after this. destress. before i embark on studying for FA. before i go into another frenzy.

I m stressed. Haven't studied much over the past few days of the study break, and now is already the weekend! i thot my FA was ok. then I started seeing ppl who score above 30. then i realise it isnot ok. then i realise i forgot abt stuff tested in mid term. like p-value. thankfully i found out some formulae are in formula sheet. have to remember other stuff. clear up the memory storage space in my grey matter.

finally handed up FA project. one less thing. means the impending is going to come soon. can't wait for december to be over soon. i think i have so many things happening, i m beginning to feel insecure. unstable. it will be fun. i will enjoy myself.

tmr is sat. shd i stay at home to study? think i prob will. hope i will study. :( somebody save me!

found a new found optimism in my life. and I m very happy to have shared with three ppl thus far. and SL shall be the 4th to soak in my new found optimism.
Had a nice long chat over the phone with WL. It is that kind where you can talk 20 topics over two hours. even if we get bored or got nothing to say, nvm.
mon is stats EXAM!!! fri is FA! haven't touched on FA yet. can't wait for the test to come and go. then I shall meet WL on friday. hopefully doesn't clash with her driving lesson. jiayou okie? and pass!
Now i m in a fix. HH's bday on 19th, Bruno's chalet on 20th and SJ's bday chalet on 22. guess wat? SO3H has finally got back to me. Sam, Don, ZK can make it from 19th to 22nd. which means I can't go for Bruno's and SJ's!!! Argh!!!

nice weather to slp in today. m in the foulest mood possible now. for stats. ta jus emailed everyone. not even the slightest hint of apology for not returning our assignments on time. jus goes on matter-of-factly that if nvr write down grp no minus 5 marks, nvr do this minus this mark... nvr add one... like hello? we shd jus minus max marks from u and give u zero for being late in marking and not being able to answer our questions. one lf the culminatig reasons for my foul mood

and for all u ppl out there who do not spend the time and effort to get ur grades, aka using other people's efforts to get your grades, i have nothing to say to u. really. disppointed. helpless. irritated. frustrated. pissed. whatever.

been in sch library since 8.30am this morning. Did LTB portfolio, which is due today. ARGH. had to edit some write-ups, such as our reflections and stuff. Finally completed and OY is gone to hand it up. Now trying to do stats while ss, hh, K, S and wk r doing their FA term project. Interesting stuff u hear and learn from them. Their way of doing the project is very different from my group's. They discuss through the questions they are unclear of, whereas we do our own parts and put together. Like our FA presentation which has just passed. S is jus saying MA is harder than FA. dunno how to do journal entry.

Yesterday was a whirlwind. went for prata breakfast with my family. then SBM for GL training. My co-GLs are Victor Teo and Fu Zhong :) Due to my time constraints, they had to cut the activities short. Sorry guys.

and I still stick by what I said. "A leader must learn to step back." haha this could well be an excuse for many of us. But i think we really have to learn through personal experience.

then went for tuition with Michelle and Novia. O levels ending soon. prob the end in sight for them. When is the end coming for me? No ends. just a long winding journey down the path called L-I-F-E.

had piano. won''t be having piano lessons till 2 weeks later. then during camp also have to miss a lesson. sorry adeline for screwing up ur timetable.

k shall go back to stats. more updates abt the darned rain last night later.

see, i nvr wanted to start blogging, cos once i start, i wil blog every single detail of my life. Jus watched oliver twist. it is a good show. definitely worth your time and money. Oliver is a sad dude. As a boy, as a child, i think he realy has no choice. But he chose to run away. How can we throw away? Even though it may be a happy ending to some of us, teh show is nonetheles sad. For such an innocent boy, the truth he believes, the faith and trust he places, and his determination, his courage, his bravery, are all worthy of inspiration. Perhaps he is just an empty hollow soul inside.

Then went to food republic again. Had to get teh same table. Nice view. I think I wll start visiting there more often. whenever i m in that area. Then me and delia were freaked out when her handphone number kept calling my number but she was not using her handphone at all!! turns out taht her parents had got her a new phone and deactivated her current line and calling me on my phone from my home. HAHA.

As I walked along a short stretch of orchard, tehre was a guy who brought 2 big dogs on a night walk. really attracted lots of people's attention. mine included. i stopped to watch. I want a dog next time. and as i was crossing the road, this person was saying taht they add olive oil in dog food, hence dog's hair nowadays are nicer and silkier.

I need to cut my hair. Revise stats. revise FA.

song for today aka sat:
The Reason by Hoobastank

In sch for FA. Kinda productive. Went for breakfast with my mum. It was fun. We bought shoes. and developed photos. I have the digi cam with me now. for dinner with delia later. jus talked to her over the phone. met ppl in peach garden. I feel like i have friends in peach garden. Some, not all.

All heroes are sad inside. I think so. Like Harry.

slept at 2. woke up at 8. usually i have to clock 8 hrs of slp min before i will wake up, or end up having a mega headache for teh rest of the day. either the headache hasn't set in, or I had a good sleep last night. quality, not quantity. i think that was the best sleep i had in months. and the best movie i have watched in months too. not because the movie was exceptional, but it is the mind, the mindset, the feeling su bring to the cinema. like when rpcks are lifted off, it seems much easier to enjoy.

guess when u r all the way down, the only way is up. today will be a good day, because the first thing i saw on TV when i woke up was jay chou's MTV for ye4 qu3. finally read his lyrics. my weekend is packed to teh brim. and i m thinking of what I am doing one monday. Mug? mb stats. I have to start studying (not REVISING) stats. don't even understand what SSE, wadever.

Good Charlotte - Hold On

This world, This world is cold
But you don't, you dont have to go
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely
And no one seems to care
Your mother's gone and your father hits you
This pain you can not bare
But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Your days, you say they're way too long,
And your nights, you can't sleep at all
Hold on

And you're not sure what you're waiting for
But you dont want to no more
You're not sure what you're looking for
But you dont want to no more
But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking you're one step closer
Don't stop searching its not over
Hold on

What are you looking for?
What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you're doing to me?
Go ahead...what are you waiting for?

Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking you're one step closer
Don't stop searching its not over
Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Hold on

This has been the ONLY song in my life thus far to have really been a source of strength and inspiration.

Why does the sky look different, in different times of your life, even though it is the same sky you have been looking at? Why does the path home feel different, at different times of your life, although it has been your favourite path home previously, when you think abt everything u want to, and feel happy abt it?

I feel disillusioned by everything around me now. As HH says, "no soul inside". Hollow inside, understand? Somehow, after feeling that way over the past year, thinking of what I want, how I am going to get it, and failing to get it, then feeling hollow inside, I think i need to realign myself and try to fit pieces of me back. But where do I start from? If you want to change me, change me subtlely. Don't try by force, pls.

I think I am disillusioned by the rat race. Life is no longer the same. I miss my older days. Now, who cares whether you r fine or not? everyone just wants to try to beat you. In teh past, we did not have to keep our defence shields up. Jus act like your true self and make friends. then again, these friends don't last when they have to face the real world like you do. Life prof said in LTB in one of his slide:"it is not called a 'old BOYS network' for nothing". now, we r constantly on our toes for backstabbers. I don't even know when to recognise a friend when i see one i think. even if i have good friends now, i will not be in the same class as their for all my modules. have to siurvive in teh wilderness on my own. ARGH

FA quiz was so hard. And I go back to my question which I haven't gotten an answer for for so long - why study so hard? and stress ourselves over sth taht is 6.666666666%. and sometimes, i get very frustrated when my frens don't seem to be my frens. Why make life difficult for everyone? Seriously? As a fren, if we don't want to spoil a friendship, i think we should jus not make each otehr's lives difficult.

Speaking of which, SS is a gal with character. I feel more down-to-earth with her ard. whenever i feel tempted to do sth, prob sth wrong, or whether to do sth i would not do under normal circumstances, she will stamp her feet down and say "NO. I will not do tis." This kinda gives me sth to anchor onto and an example to follow. And i think she's got character beacause she is not one pleased with material stuff. don't over-indulge her. I think I won't be able to do the same as she does.

After FA quiz, went to watch harry potter. lookign at harry, i suddenly could identify with his character. No matter how you try to explain to him he is not alone in the battle, he is always alone when he has to fight. Seriously, when ur friends say they will support you always, who is the one onstage facing everything? who is the one bearing teh brunt? it is you alone issit? Yet ppl can feel happy for you on;y when you do sth right. wat happens when you do sth wrong? frens come only when u catch the golden stitch, the golden egg. when you are being accused of cheating, who will stand by you? when u r down on your luck, you are SUPER down on your luck.

Looking at potter, who does not have his parents, i try to feel a little more comforted. I try to cheer myself up by emphatising with people who may be facing more situations now than i am. Howvere, it does not work. It simply does not work. And life now feels as bleak as if Voldemort has really risen in my life.

I intend to read harry potter book 5 and 6 this hols.

After potter, went for dinner with ss, hh and jas. usual gang. we seem to hang out every friday. which is a good thing. talking to them allows for spiritual/emotional growth. However, it prob brings abt an equal tinge of sadness. I dunno why. mb there's simply lots of food for thought. wen to republic food court to eat. chose a seat by the table. i love to see the hustle and bustle beneath me; the SCDF anti-terrorists patrolling; the traffic jams and the convertibles and the couples and couples in convertibles, and the punks. Somehow it brings a tinge of sadness as well.

Walked from wisma to far east. tried to immerse myself in teh christams atmosphere. the lights were up, and teh christmas songs were playing - but i could not absorb the atmosphere. I could not feel christmas in the air.

it has been a long entry. enjoy this time after FA quiz and before starting to mug for exams over the next week. my weekend is burnt again! ARGH! tmr have FA mtg at 12. yet another sat burnt in sch.

Song of the day:
Hold On - by Good Charlotte

FA! I still have to study LEASE LIABILITY!!! I shall leave that till tmr. Maybe my subconscious mind will help me understand during my sleep tonight. and I tried to send my FA slides but the server kept rejecting me, saying my mailbox is full. Like wad? I jus cleared to like less than 40 mails.

Tried to do past year papers. The Quiz 3 for last semester is really REALLY really hard. Like seriously. haha. BK jus said I only msn him when I need to seek help from him. don't think I would say it so explicitly to someone who approaches me when he or she needs help from him. But he is ice to help me. so :)

Life sucks. esp when i m looking forward to happy potter. but first i have to tackle FA Quiz! ARGH!

jus had piano this morning. finally practised some stuff for Adeline. and for myself. Trying to do FA. But all I can think of is my throbbing headache and sleep. The weather is so freaky hot I can't concentrate. When I go into aircon, it just doesn't feel right. I think my body need some conditioning. and I should stop taking afternoon naps and get my sleeping cycle back to its original. Maybe I shd go running later.

HH jus challenged me to fantasie impromptu. Chopin. All musicians are sad.

FA quiz on FRIDAY. I really think I cannot finish revising in time. And here i m tpying on my blog. ARGH! and my presentation on Friday. Screw off, everything taht I have to do! Get out of my life! I need to learn to enjoy and appreciate life!

If we could all live in space, how nice would it be? Where there is no gravity and anything goes. Where there is no destined path for you, but you scrap your own path. Would it be better if you had your entire life scripted for you the day you were born? Why not? That is why I am Buzz Light Year. :)

I used to think that when you are at the bottom, the only way is up. However, when you look around, you will realise that you are not the only suffering. Moral of teh story: Enjoy the present.

I have so much work to do. and I jus realised probably 35 minutes.

1. FA Quiz on Friday
2. FA Presentation on Friday
3. Study for FA Quiz
4. Do past year's FA papers
5. FA Term project
6. FA Meeting on WHOLE OF MY SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My life revolves around FA. Life sucks. Does anyone hear me? Writing in this blog is akin to screaming into an empty hole in virtual space.

I am waiting to watch Happy Potter. and eat with my LTB grp mates. I miss them already. and our pot luck party.

On a moday night like tonight, as I look back on the past two days, I seem to be looking back at the whole 12 weeks of sch taht has passed me by. Spent sunday in sch rehearsing for LTB. However, to be truthful, we spent moer time talking and discussing abt whether to watch the movie The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Then YY went on abt how this actor has a sad life cos he dabbled in such things. I am scared.

Then HH came and showed us his video. I really nvr saw any at all prior to this. I believe none of had watched this prior to this premiere screening. Hence, when we watched it for the first time in pitch black in SESS CR 4.1, it was so hilarious we were jus laughing ourselves hoarse, even though the video was played to a sad song "If We Hold On Together". After viewing it, I wondered if our audience would find the video funny. I think we found it funny because we knew what we had gone thru, and that HH had taken the video out of its context to give it a hilarious feeling. Fei-Ling ah...

today the presentation was not well rehearsed. However, I felt that our video at the end and the Q & A really gave our audience a feeling of what kind of group we are. Actually, after the video, when none of our members proceeded to teh Q & A, I was apprehensive about announcing to our audience that we are ready for Q & A. It is just wierd. But the Q & A really allowed us to say what we want to say. Like how we are a good mix of different people, or how we have different working styles (& how I act as an alarm bell). It felt especially good when there was a question (can't remember the qn), and we took turns to answer. Prof noted the ease we had when we took turns to answer. I believe this is something we have grown accustomed to in our small meetings, to just shout out whatever we have on our minds. I think it was regarding whether we had any conflicts.

Looking back at oktoberfest, Steamboat, I think I really like my LTB grp. Let's bid for MPW together when it is time. Haha. I just hope you don't mind this alarm. After our presentation, ss said taht we didn't really make time to enjoy ourselves. Rather, we always enjoy ourselves and have to make time out to perform our tasks. Which I feel is a good thing, if you have teammates like ours who work hard and play hard.

And yes, hh, thank you for the video. good job really. jus that i m too embarassed by the act cute antics which u must include in the video. U have spent a lot of time on it, so go back to mugging FA!!

For comms, we had 2 indiv presentations, a grammer test, return of our indiv presentation score sheet and an early dismissal! Cos I din have to retake my comms.

Went to meet WL after that. Watched Sky High. Thanks WL, for a great evening. Even tho the movie auntie issued us the tix for the wrong time. at least we could immerse ourselves in the Christmas atmosphere. Sorry if I disrupted ur plans to study during ur study break.

well, i jus spent six hours of my saturday doing my statistics assignment. Think I will only start on my FA presentation question tmr. Plus my sunday is going to be burned in school for my LTB presentation.

Today din go for sharing session at Bras Basah. i really wanted to go, but I really couldn't finish my Stats assignment! I thnk my life is screwed. It is going to be liddat for teh rest of my life. Sigh. After Monday, LTB will be down, besides the Portfolio due the following monday. comms is down, with only a grammer test this monday. left stats and FA. FA a lot of things! Term project, Quiz, exam! Stats also got exam! and I don't understand what block variance, regression... i m banking on my study break next week to study for FA and Stats. Hope can finish term project by this week. FA quiz Argh!

Lionel gave me my minnie mouse wallet. think he is a pretty good shopper. buy so much barang barang back haha. tonight think we r going for chompang nasi lemak with mel and hazel for supper. fun! & WL on mon. & Happy P. on Friday after FA. Guess these little things keep one going. Trudging along.

Currently, I m Buzz Lightyear, Ernie, and sth else. I feel that this final LTB presentation requires and deserves more attention than is given to it currently. i think we all want to give it a good one, but all od us r busy with work. I can see others putting in effort too! however, the synergy is not there. the synergy for Deng's presentation.

hope i survive the upoming weeks. Then the hols seem so short. Dunno if i get to go on a tour with SO3H. If not, I will go for SJ's 21st birthday party. and there is Bruno's BBQ on 16th, which is smack in the middle of Sequel camp. First week of Dec supposed to go on hols with family, but i guess that is pushed off yet again. from bangkok to hong kong to australoa to US to Singapore. I wonder when will we really put our words into actions. Sometimes we have to learn to let go of control of somethings and grab other opportunities before we come to regret stuff.

I have regretted stuff in my whole life. I was jus thinking abt it today. What do I regret in my life. I think I just don't let things go that easily. so even 10, 20 years down the road, i will still look back ad regrets. who said not to live life with regrets? regret, but keep it in ur heart and don't let it manifest.

Mayday jus held their concert on the 90th storey of a 101 storey building. Wow. Realy makes you think whether u can do thigns out of the pordinary, just like them. They shd go for Creative Thinking. Confirm A+. Lionel jus bought their latest album. plus November's Chopin. All my favs.

I m the balance in SS's life. I shall slack on a Sat night. The horoscope says I have worked hard enough and I shd plan to have fun. What fun?

songs: All Star by Smash Mouth

"Sometimes, the beauty of life is in the little things. Appreciate them." & I still go back to this quote. I think I am currently looking at this quote with a different feeling. not grudgingly, but in an apreciative manner. I think I shd learn to appreciate wat i have currently, and to hold on tighly to wat i have. I used to tell myself to live with no regrets, cos i know i will look back one day and regret. Now, I m just living my life day by day. so, rather than complain abt the mundane days slipping by, why not appreciate the little things in life? but like wat?

Hehe lion called today to tell me he got me a minnie mouse wallet. Forgot to ask him wat colour. I also want to go overseas! 2SO3H - if you see this, pls tell me if we can go on our holiday!!!

today had tuition whole day before going for LTB mtg. YY was only 5 minutes earlier than I was and suan me like xiao. Well, loads of work to do - LTB and FA in particular. Die le la, habben prepare for final exams cos always doing projects and presentations. Ekkkkssss

tmr got stats. next week is last week le, then study break. then EXAMS!!! *horror* haha drama la. But I think the whole way of having periodic exams better than continuously judging presentations and quizes. ekkksss

song for the moment (for LTB presentation):
"Go the Distance"

Happy Birthday to my two lovely, young cousins, Hazel and Melissa. I hope you enjoyed our dinner tonight. thanks for ur parents' treat hehe. hope everything will be smooth smooth for both of you!

today, attended an investment talk. hmmm. I m underaged to even open a trading account, not say to invest. Although I was mostly confused and din understand what they were talkign abt, there was one thing i took home with me - to be humble. The speaker sounded realy humble, not what i expected - big, assertive, authoritative, loud... i think it brought me back to reality, to learn to be more humble and be more aware of myself.

think i agreed to watch harry potter with mel and haz. Oliver Twist with delia. wat else? Sky High with WL. Anymore? plenty of nice shows coming up. just a matter of whether we have the 1)time 2)money 3)company. Life is a bit lonlier now, but all my frens will be dropping by in Dec, for a short escape from my precarious reality now. I really miss the old days, which are not too long ago.

song for the moment: ye4 qiu3 by jay chou

"Every single day is money." That was the most inspiring quote I heard this morning. Over the radio, they were having music freeplay and today's celebrity was on Jay Chou. Critics have criticised him naming his CD as November's Chopin (xiao bang) as being arrogant (xiao zhang).Top three songs that influnenced Jay Chou, especially in his current CD are:

1. Jiu3 (wine) by lee shu qun (i think)
2. I called to say I love you by Stevie Wonder
3. wen3 bie2 (farewell) by Jackie Cheung

I think Jay Chou is cool. cos he is a school dropout and yet he gets to do things that he likes aka writing music and performing. Why can't we all do the same? do what we like and enjoy ourselves as we make a living? Mb as HH said, it is economically not viable. I shall do enough good deeds this lifetime so that I can become someone I enjoy being in my next life. If I want to be a superstar, mb I shd do more bad deeds this life, cos WL always says it is not always a good thing having to share your personal life with everybody around the world. Listening to November's Chopin now.

7Nov 2005

The reason I am starting this blog is because I find this world a little harder to live in with each passing day. Why can't life be as simple as it used to be, when every praise that I give or receive is genuine and we need not look beyond that. Why can't friendships and relationships be so much simpler, yet deeper, and not be a superficial "Hi-Bye" companionship? I feel like I am being made used of.

As zx sent to me a msg before, my fav line is "Sometimes, the beauty of life is in the little things. Appreciate them." I thought I was letting go of previous memories, previous experiences. However, when I open up the Pandora's Box, i feel myself gripping these precious remnants of my memories tighter and ever.

Today had my comms presentation. I dunno how I fared, although I think prof looked a bit xian at my presentation. However, I think I gave my best shot and I wasn't so nervous after starting on my attention-grabbing introduction.

Life just goes on from today till forever. Life is a waste of time. I have loads of things to say, but I dunno where to start. This week is hell loads of tuition, cos O levels and A levels coming. and there is LTB presentation, LTB portfolio, stats assignment, FA presentation, FA QUIZ and FA term project!

Have I chosen the wrong path? I really am wondering what am I doing here. Do I want to do FA for the rest of my life? anyway, i shall end my first entry.

Be selfish - your own self comes first