Why does the sky look different, in different times of your life, even though it is the same sky you have been looking at? Why does the path home feel different, at different times of your life, although it has been your favourite path home previously, when you think abt everything u want to, and feel happy abt it?

I feel disillusioned by everything around me now. As HH says, "no soul inside". Hollow inside, understand? Somehow, after feeling that way over the past year, thinking of what I want, how I am going to get it, and failing to get it, then feeling hollow inside, I think i need to realign myself and try to fit pieces of me back. But where do I start from? If you want to change me, change me subtlely. Don't try by force, pls.

I think I am disillusioned by the rat race. Life is no longer the same. I miss my older days. Now, who cares whether you r fine or not? everyone just wants to try to beat you. In teh past, we did not have to keep our defence shields up. Jus act like your true self and make friends. then again, these friends don't last when they have to face the real world like you do. Life prof said in LTB in one of his slide:"it is not called a 'old BOYS network' for nothing". now, we r constantly on our toes for backstabbers. I don't even know when to recognise a friend when i see one i think. even if i have good friends now, i will not be in the same class as their for all my modules. have to siurvive in teh wilderness on my own. ARGH

FA quiz was so hard. And I go back to my question which I haven't gotten an answer for for so long - why study so hard? and stress ourselves over sth taht is 6.666666666%. and sometimes, i get very frustrated when my frens don't seem to be my frens. Why make life difficult for everyone? Seriously? As a fren, if we don't want to spoil a friendship, i think we should jus not make each otehr's lives difficult.

Speaking of which, SS is a gal with character. I feel more down-to-earth with her ard. whenever i feel tempted to do sth, prob sth wrong, or whether to do sth i would not do under normal circumstances, she will stamp her feet down and say "NO. I will not do tis." This kinda gives me sth to anchor onto and an example to follow. And i think she's got character beacause she is not one pleased with material stuff. don't over-indulge her. I think I won't be able to do the same as she does.

After FA quiz, went to watch harry potter. lookign at harry, i suddenly could identify with his character. No matter how you try to explain to him he is not alone in the battle, he is always alone when he has to fight. Seriously, when ur friends say they will support you always, who is the one onstage facing everything? who is the one bearing teh brunt? it is you alone issit? Yet ppl can feel happy for you on;y when you do sth right. wat happens when you do sth wrong? frens come only when u catch the golden stitch, the golden egg. when you are being accused of cheating, who will stand by you? when u r down on your luck, you are SUPER down on your luck.

Looking at potter, who does not have his parents, i try to feel a little more comforted. I try to cheer myself up by emphatising with people who may be facing more situations now than i am. Howvere, it does not work. It simply does not work. And life now feels as bleak as if Voldemort has really risen in my life.

I intend to read harry potter book 5 and 6 this hols.

After potter, went for dinner with ss, hh and jas. usual gang. we seem to hang out every friday. which is a good thing. talking to them allows for spiritual/emotional growth. However, it prob brings abt an equal tinge of sadness. I dunno why. mb there's simply lots of food for thought. wen to republic food court to eat. chose a seat by the table. i love to see the hustle and bustle beneath me; the SCDF anti-terrorists patrolling; the traffic jams and the convertibles and the couples and couples in convertibles, and the punks. Somehow it brings a tinge of sadness as well.

Walked from wisma to far east. tried to immerse myself in teh christams atmosphere. the lights were up, and teh christmas songs were playing - but i could not absorb the atmosphere. I could not feel christmas in the air.

it has been a long entry. enjoy this time after FA quiz and before starting to mug for exams over the next week. my weekend is burnt again! ARGH! tmr have FA mtg at 12. yet another sat burnt in sch.

Song of the day:
Hold On - by Good Charlotte